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The New York Times Issue 8
The New York Times, Issue Eight 17th October 'BUGSY VISITS NY ' Mid afternoon on October 15th, ASDA front man Bugsy_Siegel took what could be seen as his first aggressive move against the city of New York when he arrived in the city and began firing on Disco’s Baron_Von_Mannsechs, the fight was fierce but only lasted a few minutes before Baron was forced to retreat to the relative safety of Detroit. Bugsy then proceeded to fire on Roberto, a young gangster belonging to the Kaizen family following some comments he made to Clamps in the street. It remains to be seen however what the repercussions of such an act were and Bugsy assured us he was there only to shoot Baron, and not cause widespread destruction and death. 'INFLATION STILL A PROBLEM' By Cubert Farnsworth Changes in the law just this last Wednesday saw the amount one could win on the races slashed by as much as 75%. New betting limits were imposed on society which meant Mafioso and citizen alike could only bet $2,500 per race significantly reducing the amount of money in the world. This measure was introduced in a bid to put a halt to the hyper-inflation craze that was gripping America, and of course to lower the amount of bodyguards a person could afford daily. Bullets which were bought for around $75 each on average were being sold on for as much as 500k in some instances leading to instability in the market and problems for the government leading them to predict future economic collapse. The thoroughbred horses too which cost at the most, 4 million at auction were selling for $15 million and people still paid the price. Just 5 days after the initial changes in the constitution I went under cover to find out what changes, if any had occurred. At first, I was greeted encouraging signs with the horse market appearing saturated with people unwilling to part with funds which can no longer be easily replaced. Little Dancer, an old favourite of the NY Times has a magnificent record on the tracks placing 1st in nearly every race it runs. The price on that before the changes would have exceeded the $10 million mark, and wouldn’t have been considered for sale. Now you can pick it up for just $2.3 million from Elusive’s ranch. However, that’s where the positive signs end. In the past day this reporter has been offered bullets which would cost over 300k, over exceeding the estimated valuation by as much as 200k in such instances. The guilty man, MST_Incognito is just one of many who are still trying to attempt to rip off honest Mafioso with extortionate prices. Another popular way of making money is the sale of bodyguards. Again, before inflation the trafficking of these bodyguards would make millions on an open market, with BG’s costing 100-200k fetching 2 million, and BG’s around the 200-300k area to attract offers of 1-1.5 million. Government officials expected this to be changed to people only paying 500k and 250k respectfully. However, seedy dealers do not represent these figures. Little_Kitty attempted to give a bodyguard to me at a price of 1 million; 4 times more than the figure I would be expecting to pay. Right now, it seems that the God’s best efforts to enforce a change in the money situation are going ignored with greedy people attempting to make the same amount of money they would before the massive changes in the system, and we here at the NY Times hope that this doesn’t continue. If you have been witness to any such acts of dodgy dealings then feel free to write into the NY Times to lodge your complaint against these rogue traders. 'WILL THE REAL MST PLEASE STAND UP' By Witchy In the latest twist in the MST saga a respectable looking man arrived on the streets today, whilst muttering to himself and repeatedly bashing himself over the head, he finally seemed to remember why he was here, and proceeded to claim he was indeed the real MST. He was a shiftily looking character and sweating profusely, stopping constantly to wipe his brow. During his rantings, and his ramblings he went on to accuse MST_Incognito of stealing his identity, his home, bank account and friends. In an extremely serious accusation he then went on to call MST_Incognito a liar. On the subject of this extremely delicate situation, The New York Times has already reported recently that MST_Incognito had claimed to not be MST, but to in fact be the dear departed Don Puck. Which leads us to the questions, who was Puck, who is MST_Incognito, who is TheRealMst and how many more impostors will appear. So until further evidence is produced, I leave you with this thought, who is the real MST and will he please stand up. 'MADE MAN DIES TWICE' by big momma ASDA made man Lusitano died for a second time yesterday 15th Oct. His first death being faked the day before on the 14th Oct. When he then took on the disguise of FabrizioZucheroni, a curious thing do to during times when his family is at war, but no doubt he had his reasons. A few friends attended the first funeral and even less attended the second. The second funeral however threw up evidence that he was aided and abetted in his identity change by none other than fellow crew member Clamps, who it has been revealed provided a false and faked witness statement claiming that he had seen him slaughtered by the infamous ammo man. This would now cast doubt over any future witness statements coming from these quarters, as they are clearly masters of deception. 'FAMILIES DESECRATE GRAVES' By big momma It hasn’t gone unnoticed lately how older families members have taken to desecrating the graves of fallen victims. Two ASDA members attended the funeral of made man MoreBullets today and both shouted out comments that quite frankly hold no place at a funeral. This seems to be a growing trend throughout the older families as high and low ranks alike hurl abuse both at the dead body and at the family. One would think that an old family such as ASDA would hold higher values and principles, and know how to conduct themselves on such occasions, but it would appear they are turning into common thugs. All I can say is I hope this doesn’t prove to be a case of them leading by example for up and coming Mafioso arriving to our shores. 'STAFF STAGE MASS WALKOUT' by Witchy In the continuing saga of the ASDA/Disco war, things seem to be getting desperate on the side of ASDA. With what is believed to be their banker being held by the authorities, and the change in the gambling laws, money seems to be becoming a problem. Bodyguards have been reported to have left their ASDA employers, stating conditions were appalling, cramp living quarters, sometimes as many as 40 to a room and the lack of wages was the final straw. It was also alleged that a Mr Bertone was seen wandering the streets with a begging bowl in his hand, asking anyone he came across for lose change. Many Disco members felt so sorry to see this man on his knees, that they dropped a $1 in his pot. Although this is unlikely to assist him with his staffing problems, it may buy him a cup of tea. We at the paper will be watching as this situation unfolds. 'SPAMMER OF THE WEEK' By Ernesto Taridelli Well this one has been a fairly difficult one to assess due to the hectic schedule the world is now in, and because I am now required to revert back to my former calling of a bodyguard! However, following last weeks article on spammer of the week, runner up Angel-Islington once again took OOC Avenue by storm in a bid to win the coveted title, and there was serious talk of her winning it. And by all rights, she should have. However, I decided isn’t worthy of the honour of the title and she would only use it as a chance to spam again! So, ha! I win that round. Instead, the award must be given to another. It’s been a tough call certainly, and despite Kelly making many posters I enjoyed them, and so she is not eligible for the award on this occasion. Instead, the delightful moron that is Phil_Mecruch will receive the award for his wonderful adaptation of the modern language to turn into some sort if hideous deformity… almost like French *shudders*. Congratulations to you, sir, you spamming freak! 'QUOTE OF THE DAY' By Dwayne Smith "i know for a fact that because the bets have been cut in 1/4's, ($10000 down to $2500) the winnings have been cut by the same ration." - Rose-Bozzetto, thanks genius. In recent issues it has been a case of selecting a quote from famous and very well respected entrepreneurs. But now, we here at the NY Times will be selecting a quote from you, the people, and printing it in the paper! 'NY TIMES TRIVIA' By Honest Abe The first three people to answer each question correctly and send them into Sebastian_Sciara will win themselves 100k! 1. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28? 2. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? 3. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left? 4. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen? 5. A rooster sits on the VERY TOP of a barn roof. If he lays an egg, which side will it roll off? 'ADVERTISEMENT ' Looking for a quiet, pleasant place to drink in the centre of New York? Look no further than The Hideaway where you can get friendly service and a cold drink at a reasonable price. The Hideaway is a small basement based bar with comfortable seating and a cosy atmosphere, arrive there with vouchers collected inside the NY Times and get a drink on the house! 'RESPECTS TO; ' Red_Rabbit Made Man 2006-10-16 23:55 – TieDomi NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! NOT MY RABBIT DAMMIT, NOT MY RABBIT! *weeps a million tears* Oh Rabbit how I love thee...even through all of my Pink Rabbit, and lack of Vikinghood comments I've loved you! *weeps another million tears* Fuck you whoever did this, assholes! Fuckin' idiots! I fuckin' hate you and anybody who likes you! *flips off the stupid people* RIP buddy...come back to meeeee! 2006-10-17 00:22 - Drew_Preston Ahem. A public ode to the bunny: (as per sooomeone's request) Rabbz mek mi cry He go and he die Did himz somehow get trapped? Or he just get blapblapped? I never may know, So I go play in the snow. THE END. 2006-10-17 02:38 – Bell *lays a resd rose* You've no doubt gone to a better place, one where lettuce grows free and lady wabbits prance around through green fields and meadows, all longing to cuddle next to you. Of all the made men who have fallen, this is one I never wanted to see, your a great mafiosi and a true friend RIP fair wabbit 2006-10-17 08:25 – Possessed Rabbit, There's so much to say, we've been through so much, we go so far back it's hard to believe. Here lies a truly great man, his ancestors were always my ancestors friends, I remember how they'd always stick for each other, despite any differences, they understood about standing up for a family. I always hoped it would be you who truly led one of the greatest families that could lead this place into the right direction. You had your head screwed on and you had set your sights, I'm so sorry I wasn't around much to help you achieve your dreams, for they weren't realistic for a man as great as yourself. I'm not sure what more I can say, the world is at a loss, no good can come from your death, you understood all that was right. You fought for what you believed in, you had respect, you are evrything somebody should strive to be, and now you're gone...I feel at a loss, I'm repeating myself, but I don't care, I can't re-itterate enough how things have gone so horribly wrong due to this loss. I Hope to hear from your ancestors, ever the fun people, and yet they still manage to take the right things seriously, diplomats at heart but aggressive when need call for it, when they're family is threatened, a true mafioso. R.I.P my good friend. You'll always be remembered. 'EDITORS NOTE ' Thank you once again to all the journalists who have helped make this edition possible, your hard work and commitment continues to make us mafia’s number one ‘people’s news.’ Also, thanks to continuing donations, the Puck memorial fund is now up to $41,500,000. Thank you for all your kind donations.